The Best Leadership Decision I’ve Ever Made

Today is my 32nd wedding anniversary.

Christie and I got married when we were young. I was 21 years old and she was old enough to vote, but not able to legally have champagne at the wedding (a gentleman never reveals his wife's age or weight). Of course I thought I knew what I needed in a spouse back then. I was confident and resolute in my choice. However, after thirty-two years I can tell you with certainty I was as green as they come.

That said, marrying her is the best leadership decision I have ever made.

This might sound like an odd way to put it. But I mean it exactly that way. Somebody once told me that one of the biggest leadership decisions you will ever make is who you marry. He was right.

Not the job you take.

Not the org you build.

Not the degree you earn.

Not the mentor you find.

Who you come home to every single night will shape your leadership more than any of those things combined. I have watched this play out in the lives of friends and peers for three decades. The ones who married well lead better. Not always. But more often than not.

Here is why it matters so much.

You cannot turn off your home life when you walk into work. It does not work that way. If things are hard at home, it is hard to be fully present at the office. Your energy, your focus, your emotional capacity, all of it is affected by what is happening under your own roof.

A spouse who believes in you gives you something to come home to that refuels you. A spouse who does not believe in you, or does not share your vision, or simply does not want you doing what you feel called to do, even a good person who just sees it differently, creates a kind of drag that shows up in your leadership every single day.

I am not saying it is hopeless if your marriage has been hard or broken. This is not a condemnation. It is an encouragement to invest in your most important relationship with your best leadership energy.

Christie has moved around the country with me. She has believed in dreams that were not yet visible. She has been a great wife, an amazing mother and now a wonderful grandmother. Is she perfect? No. Am I? Did you really need to ask. The goal is not, and was never, perfection. But over thirty-two years I have gotten far more life from being married to her than life taken away. That math matters.

Here is what I would tell every leader I know.

Do not be a strong leader at work and a checked-out partner at home.

Schedule your marriage like you schedule your most important meetings.

Invest in your spouse the way you invest in your best donor relationship.

The skills you use to lead an organization, listening, encouragement, long-term thinking, showing up consistently, work just as well in a marriage. Maybe better.

Here is one practical idea worth stealing.

I cannot take credit for this one. It came from my board. Early on they recognized something simple. If my marriage was strong, they would get a better version of me at work. So they built it into my contract. A small annual allowance for a few days away with Christie. No agenda required. Planning, refreshment, connection, whatever we need most that year.

This is year eleven of my contract. The allowance has grown to $1,500. It is not enough to move the needle on any annual budget. However, it is more than enough to move the needle on a relationship.

It does something else too. It tells Christie she is valued by the board, not just tolerated by them. That matters. The times I am away or the demands run high are easier for her to absorb because she knows the relationship is a priority to the people I work for, not just to me.

This year we combined it with a trip I was already taking to one of our locations in Mexico. She got to see the work, connect with our staff, and understand firsthand why I care so much about it. Then we tacked on a few extra days to see some sites, build some memories, and decompress together.

Simple. Powerful. Worth every dollar.

As you head into budget season, consider bringing something like this to your board. It does not have to be $1,500. It just has to say that the most important relationship in your life is worth investing in. Let me know what you come up with. I might rip your idea off. Speaking of budget season, keep an eye on your inbox. That email is coming soon.

One final thought on this.

At some point in your life you will not have a job. You will retire or transition or step back. The org will go on. The mission will continue. And your board will find someone else to replace you. I say that with zero bitterness, it is simply true. You are replaceable at work. Every one of us is.

However, you are irreplaceable to your spouse and family. That gap in importance is enormous and we spend most of our energy on the wrong side of it. Invest in your most important relationship with your best leadership skills. You will not regret it.

Thirty-two years ago Christie said yes. I have been trying to be worthy of that answer ever since.

I am cheering for you.